April 5, 2014

Listening to Nirvana’s breathtaking »In Utero« album, feeling like the teenager I was in 1993, so infatuated with Kurt Cobain’s fierce poetry and voice. One year later he was gone, leaving us deeply wounded and dumbfounded. For years, I would ask myself, »Why? Why did he do it…?« — He was at the peak of his creativity. Heart-wrenchingly beautiful. Incredibly successful. Blessed with an amazingly cute baby girl. And still — who knows the secrets of the human heart?
     Then, in 2002, came the publication of his journals. I just couldn’t convince myself to stop crying. Listening to his old albums again, I worked my way through his lyrics and met his demons. Now, twenty years after his death — the day the music died —, I still don’t know if I understand, but I’m still deeply affected, shaken to the core.
     In my first book, Life is a Sexually Transmitted Disease, I wrote this piece about Kurt:

Everything is as it was and will be again. There were many times, walking around Lake Washington, that Kurt would take off his sweater and wrap it around me, the cold blowing. The dark sky’s painting shadows on his lovely face. Quietly we spoke, pieces of leaf in his hair — here, there, and everywhere. I don’t cry now. I’m one of the few who’ve managed to remain strong, trusting that we will be together again in the many seasons of our lives and times. Kurt was a gentle soul and don’t you know he brought out the rose in me and our generation. There’s always a voice that speaks to us in the darkest of times, and yes, I could have saved him, but somehow in death his power has multiplied. So I must honour that beautiful truth he inspired in all of us. But I might say the touch of his hand on mine will haunt me forever. The spirit he called »teen« left a light on in my heart, in the craziest of moments rushing by. I won’t lie — I love you, Kurt. So this song was written on the wind, for you walk among us still…

From »In Utero«, I move directly to Patti Smith’s »Gone Again«, one of my all-time favourite albums. It contains a song dedicated to Kurt, »About a Boy«. In Vienna, a dear friend of mine is performing in Kurt’s honour tonight. I wish I could be there to share this moment. But then again, I cherish this quality moment alone with my memories and his eternal music.
     I admit, this was a quick one. Still, I wanted to share my thoughts with you. All my love, have a great weekend,



6 thoughts on “April 5, 2014

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